Such a Nerd

My first encounter with the word ‘nerd’ was when it was flung at me like a fireball of sorts, back when I was thirteen. The word itself isn’t particularly insulting, especially in the present day context, but when a popular guy in class yells it your way, dripping with derision, and people all along the path of the insult snicker, you begin to wonder if it is a mean thing to call someone. I remember going home and calling up my dad to tell him about it. Having been educated in a Malayalam medium school, English slang wasn’t exactly his forte. This word wasn’t one he had ever come across in his office interactions or formal academia either. He was in an airport at the time, so he walked himself to a little bookstore, picked up a dictionary and looked it up. The dictionary definition wasn’t particularly flattering and it mentioned something to do with poor social skills and an overt inclination towards the intellectual. He told me this wasn’t who I was at all, and to not take it personally and was rather adorably enraged at the guy who’d called me one. The entire charade is almost comical in hindsight but the word is one that has stuck with me for most of my life, insulting or otherwise.

To be honest, I check quite a few boxes that make someone a ‘nerd’ and then some. For one, I always made good grades in school. I liked learning about new things and people didn’t know how to process that. It was far easier for them to assume that I would stay crammed up in my room studying all day and all night in pursuit of shiny grades. I hardly ever got into trouble at school. At the pinnacle of my nerd-dom, when I was eleven, I couldn’t stand how a classmate kept talking even after the teacher had asked us to quietly take the test. So I turned back and asked her to quieten down and ended up being told to stand in the corner holding my ears. That is, the one time I did get into trouble was by telling someone to listen to the teacher – Very nerd-like, if I do say so myself. Also, on occasions when I did study, I loved delving into the subject matter. Back in class 6, I remember having completed the syllabus for the science test scheduled for the next day by midnight, and still staying up late, poring over additional, better quality material I’d bought to truly absorb and feel what I’d studied. My father had to tell me to shut the textbook and go sleep. I was that kid. Textbooks weren’t all I would read though. I’d devour fiction- fat, old yellowing books- day after day, much to the annoyance of my school librarian who’d begin to mumble every time she saw me approach. I’d keep the light on and read into the early hours of the day, hurriedly turning the light off at the slightest sounds of my parents’ footsteps. I was the kid who adults had to physically pry away from storybooks and if that isn’t an ode to my being a nerd, I don’t know what is.

I guess the fact that the nerd check-boxes I check are running into two paragraphs is in itself saying something. I had very ‘un-cool’ preferences. When girls from my batch were sashaying their way into ballet and Jazz, I refused to budge from Bharatanatyam. Its rich history and its careful emphasis to detail ranging from intricate eye movements, expressions, and even eye-brow movements had me hooked. They tried to make me the girl who opened class assemblies with a Ganesh salutation dance that everyone slept through because that was the little box Bharatanatyam was always shoved into. Western dance forms were perceived as sexier and more feminine, while Bharatanatyam was an arduous godly thing you had to sit through. Ah, I digress. Even my hairstyle preferences were nerdy. I liked having my hair neatly away from my face, so I could see clearly and that didn’t go down very well with people. Asymmetric bangs, and flicks across the face and long loose tendrils were in style and my go to look was a slick, neat braid- functional and easy. In addition to all this, and perhaps most importantly, I refused to do things just because they were cool things to do. I never jumped on the abusing teachers bandwagon not because I was scared or wanted to be in their good books, but simply because I saw them as people. People who may not be having a good day sometimes, and people who might not be perfect, but people with feelings all the same. I absolutely refused to cheat off others mostly because I didn’t need to but also because I wanted my results to reflect solely my efforts. Put all these together, and you have yourself a perfect, full- blown nerd.

Except I wasn’t. A lot of my personality was in stark contrast to the definition of a nerd. I loved sports. Especially team sports. Most of my childhood, I was out playing, be it running around on tarred roads, walking treacherously on jungle gyms or even running up and down basketball and badminton courts. Every day, at a set time, I’d start rounding people up and head out, not to return until the sun went down or my mother came looking. I’d be the first one out of the house and the last one in. On rare occasions when I had to choose between going out to play and studying for a test, I always chose the former and my mother will vouch for this. Since my grades didn’t suffer, no one really stopped me and I was this free, happy ball of energy running around till I couldn’t run anymore. Another common depiction of nerds is that they are quiet and tend to avoid conflicts. Not me. I’d dive headfirst into confrontations when something clashed with my ideals, and I was a very outspoken kid on things that mattered to me to the point where I had very good friends and very bitter enemies. I would stand up for those who mattered to me and very fiercely so.  Some kids would leave only me out of their birthday guest-lists whereas I’d be right on top of the list on others, never in-between.

What I’ve realized is society thinks of nerds in two ways – the smart nerds and the hardworking nerds. This I learnt when I massively under-performed in JEE in 2014. My JEE story is one for another day, but in short, I hadn’t prepared for it and was very close to completely ruining my boards too, but I salvaged it in the last one month. So what came about was a good performance in the boards and a terrible performance in JEE and just like that I transitioned from the smart nerd to the hardworking nerd in the eyes of the society. Some sexist connotations were also added just as icing on the cake. To be a smart nerd is almost cool but to be a hardworking nerd is really quite sad. It’s just a nice way to call a person both stupid and socially inept at the same time. I have a lot of insecurities but my intelligence has never been one of them so I watched this all unfold with mild amusement. The amusement would have been a lot stronger had the whole ordeal not have taken a toll on my parents. After all, no parent wants the world to think of their child as hardworking and stupid. Somewhere along the way in college, I lost the hardworking tag and regained the smart one but the nerd tag has sunken its teeth into my being and absolutely refuses to let go.

Here are some things I think all people should know about ‘nerds’. This is of course entirely my personal experience and need not resonate with everyone.

1. When you suddenly become very friendly with me, right before exams come up, I know what you’re here for. You aren’t the first to try this and you sure as hell won’t be the last. If I choose to humor you and play along, it isn’t because I can’t see through your cute façade. It’s because I see you genuinely need help and I choose to ignore you undermining my intelligence. Try it one time too many and it won’t go well for you.
2. Just because I get good grades doesn’t mean I listen to every teacher and make beautiful notes in every class. I don’t. All my engineering notebooks are filled with sketches. Of trees, animals, people and aliens. Anyone who’s been friends with me longer than the period right before exams is well aware of this. So when I say I don’t have any notes to lend you, it is because I really don’t. Not because I want to keep the grades to myself (lol).
3. I don’t think about academics all day. Most days, it is the absolute last thing on my mind. When you arrive unannounced at my door on the night before the exam, and ask me to explain a complicated concept you didn’t understand in class, and I explain it flawlessly, I’d probably just understood it a few minutes back myself.
4. I’m a whole person. I’m not just your unconditional source of academic assistance. I have real feelings and opinions much like anyone else. Some days, I’m in a good mood and will lend help happily and on others, I will hate you for coming to me only when you need favors. Please don’t pretend to take an interest in my life for the duration of the favor you seek, it is not only demeaning but also hurtful. I’ll help you without the extra flair.
5. Yes, I made every single project of mine myself. I’ve never plagiarized projects off the internet, not because I don’t know how to, but because making my own projects was the least I could do in pursuit of becoming an engineer. I did the degree not for the sake of a certificate to pave my career, but because I actually enjoy building things.
6. Yes, I’ve been in groups where I’ve done all the work. Several time, I’ve put another person’s name on a project I’ve slaved over for days or even weeks on end. I’ve also built projects overnight and then gone and woken up my project partner and explained the entire project to them right before a presentation. Sometimes I receive gratitude in return, other times, nothing. After all, as a nerd, it is one of my chief responsibilities to do other’s work.
7. Often your nerd status is decided by the bench you occupy in a classroom. Let me as an authorized nerd clear that little piece of misinformation up. You don’t have to sit in the front bench to be a nerd. I’ve spent just as much time on the very last bench as the very first. As long as you make the grades, and are reasonably quiet, that’s all it takes to be branded as one.
8. You might think nerds lack social skills and don’t understand people and society. You’re dead wrong on this front. It isn’t that they don’t understand people, it is that they understand them a little too well. Every time you try to outsmart a nerd, remember, they see right through you. They’ve met tens of people like you and better still, read about thousands of people like you. A nerd’s circle of friends is smaller than yours very often out of choice. They choose to cut people who they don’t respect out, and very quickly at that.
9. Functioning in a society that disrespects the very custodians of human intellect and advancement (:P) as a nerd is much harder than you might think. The next time you meet a nerd, be kind.

This article has extended far beyond what I thought it would, which yet again goes to prove a point I started out to prove. Only a true nerd can write a 2000 word article about their experiences being a nerd.

PS: This article contains pictures of Velma Dinkley from Scooby Doo and Matilda from Roald Dahl’s book of the same name, two of my favourite female nerd characters of all time.